I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Stupid Man: I usually buy the 3 liter bottles. I want to buy the 4 liter bottles.
Me: Yes?
Stupid Man: How much more is in that?
Stupid Kid: I want to buy this keg of Blue Moon Belgian White.
Nice Lady: Have you ever tried it with an orange slice in it? It's delicious.
Stupid Kid: Uhhh, how do you get the orange in the keg?
Stupid Lady: Do you carry the Neederburg Stein?
Me: No, ma'am, we only carry the Neederburg Pinotage.
Stupid Lady: Oh, so you don't have the Stein?
Me: No, ma'am, we only carry the Neederburg Pinotage.
Stupid Lady: Hrm. Do you have any of the Stein in the back?
Where have I been? The doctor's office. More precisely, the doctors' offices. Lots of them. Often. I got one of those "answer each question with one word" emails, and my response to "name 3 places you go often" was "work, home, doctor." But modern science has worked its miracles, at least for now, and I'm back, as bitchy as ever. And just in time for the holidays!
]]>The boss walks up to you and says, "You're pretty smart, right?" The correct response is:
a) Yes
b) Compared to that trash can, yes
c) Compared to you, yes
d) Compared to you, that trash can is smart
e) There's smarter shit than you decomposing in the bottom of that trash can
f) All of the above
I knew I had bigger cojones than the men I work with. We all knew it. But I didn't realise quite how ball-less they are until they all cowered whilst I carried the 3 foot long snake out of the store.
]]>
Dear Tammy Faye Pouty Princess:
You're 45 years old and pale to the point of translucency, so lay off the pancake makeup. It goes beyond "not flattering" to "ghoulish." You're scaring the customers. And seriously, sticking your entire lip into a pot of gloss is not the best way to apply it.
xoxo
Miss P
Honey, you've been planning your wedding since you were a little girl. You've thought about your dress, your bridesmaids' dresses, your shoes, your flowers and your music. You've envisioned your entrance, your first dance, your father's speech, and your bouquet toss. You've spent months planning seating arrangements, your centrepieces, your appetisers, your entree, and your cake.
Yet, somehow, it escaped you that you might need to serve some booze. It's Thursday, the big day is just two fucking days away, and it's just now occurring to you that your guests might want to drink? I'm not going to drop everything and cater to your prissy little princess tantrum.
P.S. Korbel sucks ass.
Me: Hi, Delenn. I had a terrible day. How was yours?
Kitteh: {purrs}
Me: {cries}
Kitteh: {purrs louder}
Me: {sobs}
Kitteh: {purrs even louder}
Me: {wipes tears on cat}
Kitteh: {purrs louder still, head butts for kisses}
Me: {smiles, pours another glass of bubbly}
I’ve been in this hell-hole since 6:30 this morning. I’ll be here until 7 tonight. The closest I’ll get to fresh air is taking the trash to the dumpster that overlooks the drainage pond next to the interstate.
So, please, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT SAY “ISN’T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE???” I will want to do something to you that will involve a corkscrew, and it will be quite painful.